What would I say to my 17 year old self…you may wonder why of all the ages in the last decade I would have chosen this part in my life There were so many small decisions I made at the time that I would of thought nothing of that has majorly shaped things in the long run.
Hello 17 year old Caz as you read through this your 28 year old self has finally managed to get the baby down for some sort of nap with the likely hood of being back up again at 1 am , 3 am , and 6 am, then the toddler descending at some point after this. To be honest if I had wrote this letter a few months ago when I was lurking near the black hole of sleep exhaustion. I would of defiantly told you to run as fast as your little legs would have carried you.
If I am right and my brain hasn’t completely turned to baby brain mush. Then right about now you probably have met a boy at work. Well, what if I told you this boy with crazy colored hair, a lip ring and his rock and roll attitude. He is
your rock. His lip ring is gone and forgotten about, until we hunt out the pictures for our toddler to laugh at. His crazy hair sadly went when a proper grown up job was needed. In its place hes very much now my silver fox. The grey’s showing all the troubles and stress that he has placed on his shoulders throughout the years. Not going to lie his 6 pack disappeared soon after you meet but, I do love this Dad bod.
Right now your life is music. Festivals and gigs is what you do and what you spend your last penny on. I cant rememberer the last time I went to a gig, which may shock you. Unless you count the baby music class I rock up to on a Wednesday morning. If I did go, I would be that perfect mold of that *middle aged* person. Standing at the back of the crowd slightly swaying to the songs I slightly recognized. With my one drink in hand as any more than two, a hangover would be on the cards.
By now your mouth will be hitting the floor, while I tick off everything you hold dear. The final nail in the coffin for you will be most days you will find me listening to the recent Disney or Kids film soundtrack or general generic pop music. That would be the sound of you throwing paper across the room, I’ll give you a few minutes to calm yourself…
Don’t get me wrong you did have a short period of time where you spent your nights out drinking with friends and a mid week session would be standard . Nowadays your in bed as soon as possible your still not a morning person. But in place you watch your oldest dance around the house like shes had far too many fruit shoots (what mummy and daddy now calls going out for a drink) and that second handful of smarties, wasn’t one of my brightest ideas I’ve had.
I know your majorly self conscious, you worry constantly that you have put on weight and that your not wearing the right *thing*. Now I look back I wish I had done none of that. Enjoy and appreciate your body maybe don’t abuse it too much, with the amount of units of alcohol your going to consume over the next few years.
I am jealous of my body before babies. That flat tummy and perky boobs. But I’ve exchanged for one that grew my two gorgeous children. They both left there mark behind with stretch marks and my boobs will never be the same again. With both pregnancy’s post-partum hair loss made a appearance too. For me this is something I still need to get my head around. To try appreciate the fact, it will never quite be the same again and for that to be Ok. In 20 years time I’m going to wish I still looked like I do now. Your husband yes that boy with the emo hair, even after 12 years together, we’re still standing. We do both fight over mainly who is on 5 am duty for getting up with the baby. We have gone through our highs and survived some tough lows.
But somehow still he looks at me like he did when we first met. The little emo teenager who didn’t have a care in the world. Now sits a 28 year old woman who normally has one or both our children attached to her. Normally sporting odd pj’s that has some sort of baby dribble and 2 day old messy hair but he still sees the original Caz.
I know your thinking what have you done with your life so far. That everything you hold dear is not even a blip on my life now. That how things could dramatically change in 10 years. I think some things are best unsaid.
Just so you know that you may not find the *thing* you are good at or that cool job you dream about back then. But you have everything you never knew you wanted. Two children that seem to adore you, a husband that still sees you under all the layers of mummyiness. That if there was only one thing I could tell you to do is grab on and enjoy the ride the next decade is going to be immense but just not quite how you pictured it.