I’ve have now racked up about a month worth of shifts at work. I knew it would be a whole different kettle of fish this time going back. *apologies I do love a play on words*. The first few days at work I felt utterly lost, like the new girl all over again. It was an awful feeling, don’t get me wrong everyone welcomed me back like a long lost friend, but with being off for so long in a job that changes very quickly eg. staff and departments its hard to try and get back into the swing of things. By the time it hit my third shift things were slowing coming back to me, remembering there was a working (non mummy) brain in there and I was starting to get my “swing” back
Home life has been a lot harder to get used to. To be away from the kids 4 days a week has been quite a shock to the system. They have found it hard and I’ve found it worse. Charlotte especially has struggled with me going back to work. Her behavior at home has been less than desirable, to say it bluntly she has been god dam awful. I know I shouldn’t expect an angel but I feel like most days I’m dealing with the devil himself. Especially to me, I am well and truly getting the brunt of her attitude at the moment and have all fingers and toes crossed that this stage will bugger off as soon as possible. Fraser the first weekend kept looking for me while I was at work. He is a boy for a routine so I was more worried for that. But, I have tried to keep it as close as possible when he is not with me and its seemed to be working out so far.
Sleeping is my major issue, I’m not finishing work until 9 some nights by time I do reach home my brain is still in over drive. To try and get to bed as soon as I’m home has been a impossible task. Still being wide awake after midnight when it does land on my days to be the one to wake up with Fraser is hard especially if I am back into work that night. Trying to balance home life and work has felt like a juggling act. I feel like I’m getting somewhere and then another ball gets added and everything drops and I go back to square one. With the constant fear of trying keep everything going has been exhausting. Looking back at the weeks running up to going back to work I think I was really naive in thinking that if I planned things as much as physically possible it would make going back to work simple.
Realistically most days Mum guilt likes to sit up front and taunt me throughout the day, from the 4 bedtimes a week I now miss. I miss the kids a heck of a lot more than I thought I would. At the moment my husband and I are passing ships in the night, especially on my long stints at work. Being back has caused our relationship to take a hit with him having to do a lot of solo parenting between bedtimes and weekends. Which I know is a heck of a lot of hard work. Especially when he’s been working all day himself. With both of us tired we have started to take it out on each other. When you have been together so long like we have, you know exactly what buttons to press and how easily it is to get the other to erupt. By the time I’m getting home most nights hes ready for his bed.
In all honesty going back especially to back shift has been so much tougher then I could have imagined, maybe it will all come back to me. In a few months and it might be working more smoothly but at the moment it does feel like I’m walking on quicksand while trying to juggle and push a buggy at the same time.