When I look at this picture I first used to see how slim I was so soon after having Charlotte. All smiles but this photo was taken 1 month before I walked into the doctors and said I need help before I do something.
Behind those eyes was a new mum that couldn’t cope with the dark thoughts that seemed to not go away. Behind those eyes was a mum that’s wasn’t sleeping or taking care of herself but, still had people commented how great she looked. How I was looking better than I did before I had a baby. Those eyes hide the darkness that was consuming her one bit at a time.
When I was at my darkest second time round, I would be very envious of this person in the picture. I wondered at how she got so thin so quickly. She looked like she has everything put together. But really that Caz wasn’t eating well, missing meals or days of food because she didn’t see the point. Unless she had to be at work, she hid in the house as much as possible. Her marriage had hit a wall because she just wouldn’t admit to her husband there was something seriously wrong. Even though he knew she wasn’t the same Caz standing there anymore.
I looked upon this photo as my goal when I had given birth to Fraser. But under that dress I had gotten to the point you could see my ribs too clearly. My skin was actually horrendous under all that makeup. I hadn’t slept for weeks, the bags under my eyes were more like craters by this point though for that few moments in time everything looked “perfect”.
I don’t associate that picture of being me anymore, I know that may seem strange to say. I am slowly starting to not aim to look like that person anymore. With knowing now what was going on behind the scenes I have no desire to go down that road again. I don’t think pre baby Caz will ever re-appear and before I would been pretty sad at that thought. But now I look at that picture and feel sad for that person I was, standing putting on that face. For suffering in silence for far too long. So next time you see a Mummy who looks like she has everything put together sometimes a picture can hide the cracks from the outside world.